Talk to your child about their origins

When should I talk to my child about their origins?

Evidence from the experience of donor-conceived people and those who’ve been adopted has shown it’s best to talk to your children about their origins in early childhood.

Finding out suddenly in later life can be emotionally damaging to donor-conceived people and their families. This, coupled with a donor-conceived person’s legal right to find out about their genetic origins, means that it’s advisable to be open with your children from an early age.

However, if circumstance or choice have led you to tell your child later in life, this can still be done well with the right preparation and guidance. Contact the Donor Conception Network or Donor Conceived UK for support and advice on how to do this.

Can I find out any information about my child’s donor and donor-conceived genetic siblings from the HFEA?

Yes, if your children were conceived after 1 August 1991 following treatment at a licensed clinic, you can apply to us for some information about their donor and any donor-conceived genetic siblings. You won’t, however, be able to find out any information that would identify them.

Finding out about your child's donor or donor-conceived siblings

Apply for information

What if I don’t want to tell my child about their origins?

The decision of whether to talk to your child about their origins is completely up to you. However, family secrets can undermine trust and lead to conflict and stress. They can also suggest to donor-conceived children that their parents are ashamed of how they were conceived.

It is possible that your child may find out about their genetic origins when they are older in any case, for example through their own, or someone else’s use of home DNA testing and matching services. This could happen if your child matches with unexpected individuals or is shown not to have a genetic link to people they would expect to have a genetic link to, for example, to a parent or sibling. It is also possible that the donor-conceived individual could be identified and contacted by their donor or by a donor-conceived sibling if their donor or donor-conceived sibling is also a user of the same site and has also opted in to be ‘matched’ with genetic relatives. Information gathered from home DNA testing and matching websites can be combined with other publicly available information (for example, information from a person’s social media account(s)) and lead to a donor-conceived person being identified and possibly contacted. A donor-conceived person would not necessarily need to be a user of a site themselves for this to happen (if a close genetic relative was a user and opted in to matching services).

If you’re comfortable and open with your child about their origins, and you handle the topic sensitively, there’s no reason why they should feel different to any other child. If donation has been part of the family story for as long as your child can remember, their genetic origins needn’t be an issue.

Find out more about home DNA testing and matching websites and their implications for donor conceived people.

Some donor-conceived children will want to know more about their donor while others might not be that interested so follow your child’s lead. It may be that your child has questions months, or even years later.

What can my child find out about their donor or donor-conceived genetic siblings from the HFEA?

What they can find out about their donor from the HFEA depends mainly on when they were conceived.

Most children conceived on or after 1 April 2005 can find out from the HFEA the name, date of birth and last known address of their donor when they turn 18. Most children conceived before this time (but after 1 August 1991) can’t find out any identifying information from us although we can provide them with non-identifying information from the age of 16, such as their donor’s year of birth and occupation.

What they can find out about their donor-conceived genetic siblings is the same for both those who were conceived before and after 1 April 2005.

However, it’s also now possible for home DNA tests and optional matching services, available online, to result in a donor-conceived person identifying their donor or donor-conceived siblings, regardless of when they donated or were conceived. A donor or donor-conceived sibling’s identity could also be worked out using home DNA testing and matching services alongside publicly available information relating to a person, for example, via their social media account. We would point out that commercial DNA testing websites do not tend to provide support and advice.

Find out more about DNA testing and matching websites and their implications for donor-conceived people and their parents.

What they can find out about their donor-conceived genetic siblings is the same for both those who were conceived before and after 1 April 2005.

Finding out about your donor and genetic siblings

When donor-conceived children turn 18 they can join our voluntary contact register, Donor Sibling Link, where they can exchange contact details with any donor-conceived genetic siblings they have who have also joined.

Is it possible for an anonymous donation to be used in treatment after 1st April 2005?

We made a decision that anonymous donations made before 1 April 2005 could still be allowed for use in treatment up until 31 March 2006, after which they could not be used in treatment except in certain exceptional circumstances. These include:

• where a family wished to create a sibling for their existing child(ren) using the same donor.
• where any stored embryos were created using sperm/eggs from an anonymous donor together with the sperm/eggs of a recipient.

In this case the embryo could still be transferred to the recipient after 31 March 2006.

Is it possible for my child’s donor to be identifiable even if they were conceived before 1 April 2005?

When the law on donor anonymity was changed in 2005, we also made it possible for anonymous donors to remove their anonymity by re-registering as an identifiable donor.

Understandably, many donors want to help the people conceived from their donation to discover as much about their origins as possible. This means that from time to time a donor will re-register, meaning any children conceived from their donation can then access identifying information about them at 18. If you apply to us for information about your donor, we can confirm whether or not they have re-registered as an identifiable donor.

Where can I go for more support or information?

The Donor Conception Network (DCN) has produced a series of booklets called ‘Telling and Talking’. These aim to prepare and support parents of donor-conceived people to tell their children about their origins.

The booklets can be ordered online or downloaded for a cost from the website

You may want to access professional support services such as counselling to discuss the best methods for talking about donor conception with your child.

There are a number of organisations set up to offer counselling services and advice:

• The British Infertility Counselling Association is an organisation set up specifically to provide guidance and support on infertility issues.
• The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can help you find counselling services in your area.
• The Counselling Directory lists counsellors and psychotherapists who are registered with a recognised professional body or can provide proof of their qualifications and insurance cover.
• ParentLine Plus is a national charity offering support to parents in the UK.