Pride Month 2025: As a female same-sex couple, all we wanted was to be seen and not feel like we had to hide any part of ourselves

My wife and I’s journey to parenthood started in 2014. Like many (but not all) female same-sex couples, we were full of excitement when we arrived at our clinic for the first time. We found it relatively easy to choose a clinic as location and ease of parking were the most important factors for us. Additionally, we needed to arrange our appointments around our working hours as we both worked full-time. We couldn’t wait to start our treatment journey, but we did have a sense of uncertainty because we weren’t sure what to expect. Unlike other couples, we didn’t have years of trying to conceive behind us beforehand.

When we started fertility treatment, we knew that I was going to carry our child. Luckily for us, it was an easy decision to make as my wife had no desire to carry a child, and she was more than happy to share my dream of wanting to be pregnant. However, that wasn’t meant to be as I was diagnosed with endometriosis and hypothyroidism along our four-year journey and sadly had multiple pregnancy losses. Overall, I did seven rounds of ICSI treatment, with different sperm donors, using both my own eggs and my wife’s eggs, but we never brought a baby home. At this point, we thought that this was how our journey would end.

Then after much thought, my wife decided to have ICSI and on her second round - our ninth altogether - our son was born. Our son being born was, without a doubt, the best day of our lives. Our families and friends were so excited for us - we had shared our journey with them, so they couldn’t wait to meet our little rainbow baby.

While we were so grateful to have our baby boy, we found it quite difficult to process everything we had been through previously with the losses. Pregnancy after loss is incredibly hard and we found ourselves carrying the trauma into parenthood. Looking back, I would definitely tell my younger self to take some time to process the losses as we didn’t just have pregnancy losses, but I had also lost the opportunity to be able to be our son’s birth mother. After our son was born in 2019, I did seek support, and I found that it helped immeasurably.

We realise how privileged we were from a financial perspective to be able to keep trying through nine rounds of ICSI. That being said, it was an emotionally difficult process. We never imagined what our experience would be like when we first walked through our clinic’s doors in 2014.

In terms of our experience as patients, our clinic provided us with the best care. They understood us and made both of us feel seen and included. When they helped us choose a sperm donor, they explained the legal parenthood forms we needed to fill in and they supported us through pregnancy loss. When we became mothers, we felt their support when they congratulated us. As a female same-sex couple, we didn’t want to feel different throughout our fertility journey – all we wanted was to be seen and not feel like we had to hide any part of ourselves. Our clinic allowed us to be ourselves and we were so grateful for this. Sadly, the same cannot be said for our experience in maternity care, where we had very negative experiences because of our sexual orientation.

I’m sharing our story to offer solace to other members of the LGBTQ+ community who have been - or are currently - in a similar position to us. All too often, we can feel like we don’t ‘fit in’ to the fertility community. We can find ourselves needing to prove why we belong there such as fighting for funding or hoping our clinic treats us fairly and offers an inclusive experience. Despite us meeting two incredible friends along the way and me being able to share our journey with my best friend, who also happened to be undergoing treatment at the same time, I still felt like I didn’t fit in. I also felt out of place with opposite-sex couples as they were going through so much during their fertility journeys, and fellow members of the LBGTQ+ community didn’t seem to share the fear I had that our journey would be unsuccessful because we had already had so many rounds of treatment.

When we started treatment ten years ago, a lot of the support available was via online forums. Thankfully, ten years on, the bespoke support for LGBTQ+ people who are on a fertility journey is so much better. There are a number of incredible organisations who provide excellent support to our community which really does make an invaluable difference - especially when they are able to split out the support for other diverse groups, which is important because we all navigate this journey differently. If I could give advice to other LGBTQ+ couples who are either on a fertility journey or are considering treatment, it would be to not underestimate the importance of belonging. Belonging is so important because infertility (no matter the cause) can be overwhelmingly lonely. I would have been lost without the friends I made along our journey. I hope anyone in the LGBTQ+ community who is navigating fertility treatment is able to find a safe space and people who they can share the highs and the lows with.

Bethan Shoemark-Spear has worked in the fertility sector for three years, focusing on support solutions and patient representation for members of the LGBTQ+ community. She and her wife live in South Wales and underwent fertility treatment at a UK clinic to have their son, with their journey to parenthood taking four years. Bethan is now an ambassador for The Fertility Alliance, where she hopes to share her story to raise awareness and help others.