Judy's story

Judy, 52, and her husband Matthew, 42, have a son, Patrick, 12, who was conceived by donor insemination (DI). Judy tells their story:

Treatment time

'After two years of trying for a baby we went to our GPs and learnt that Matthew had no sperm. The GP suggested donor insemination (DI). I was pregnant after four treatments but miscarried at nine weeks. We went through another 20 treatments and several donors with no success and were about to give up when I became pregnant with Patrick.'

Feelings

'We were both upset but Matthew had more to come to terms with knowing that he would never have his own genetic child. Our initial reaction to DI was very negative. The idea of having somebody else's baby was appalling. There was a definite 'yuk' factor too. It took several years for us to realise that ultimately being a parent was more important than the genetic aspect.'

'We were anxious to keep the whole thing secret. It was only after going to the support group and hearing other people being so open about their experiences and fears that we began to tell family and close friends.'

Our relationship

'The whole process made us feel closer, although during counselling we were surprised to find that we were thinking rather different things about the effects of not having a child. Matthew's greatest fear was that I would miscarry again, while my worst fear was of a kind of emptiness that would stretch on into the future.'

Our tips

• Get support. After my miscarriage the clinic nurse, who was always incredibly supportive, suggested that we try the clinic's support group, which we found very helpful.
• Be open. We've always been open with Patrick about his origins and strongly believe that a child has the right to know where they came from. Be positive, be optimistic and keep communicating with each other.

More information:

• For parents of donor-conceived children
• For donors
• More patient stories