Barbara's story
Barbara, an IT consultant, had to have an ovary removed as a result of an ovarian cyst, and she also had blocked fallopian tubes. Her husband Jeremy has low sperm motility. Despite four attempts at IVF, treatment failed to work and they decided not to carry on. Barbara tells their story.
Treatment time
"We went private because the NHS waiting lists for treatment were long and we had the funds to pay. After four failed cycles the hospital suggested donor treatment. We decided to give ourselves time to consider this as well as adoption but eventually decided not to pursue treatment."
Feelings
"Although I'm a positive person it was exhausting keeping up a front and I withdrew from a lot of activities. Our decision not to pursue treatment or adoption evolved over about five years. I can look at it reasonably strongly now but deep down I am still angry at the unfairness of it all.
"I told my boss who was understanding, but I didn't tell anyone else at work and shortly after ending treatment, I switched jobs - partly I think in retrospect to get away from an environment I associated with loss and stress.
"My closest friends were sympathetic but regular chats with my mom who lives in Canada were the best support while my mother-in-law gave me the hugs and comfort that I missed from my own mom. My dad didn't really know what to say and would start talking about my brother's children - as though talking about them would ‘encourage' me to be successful at IVF!"
Our relationship
"It put a strain on our relationship especially immediately after we had stopped treatment and before we were really able to think about moving on. We were both so ‘lost' that if one of us had made a move to chuck it in the other might not have had the strength to do anything about it. But we stuck it out, stayed close - even without talking about it a huge amount – time marched on, and we both started realising that life is good, although it's not necessarily what we would have chosen and we are thankful that we have each other."
Our tips
- "Take it a step at a time."
- "Don't let fear stop you whether it's to continue with treatment or stop."
- "Don't automatically assume that others will understand what you're going through."
- "If people say or do something insensitive they aren't necessarily trying to hurt you. Choose a 'technique' for dealing with it, such as silently counting to ten while smiling at them - they'll get the hint - and in most cases will feel horrified that they've hurt you."
Page last updated: 28 August 2009
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In vitro fertilisation (IVF) literally means ‘fertilisation in glass’ giving us the familiar term ‘test tube baby’.